it's strange how jaded i've become. to the extent that i'm thinking of doing things i've never done before. like moving to the states. or batting for the other side.

i seemingly throw no caution to the wind anymore, and thinking twice before doing? nah, thats probably not gonna happen anytime soon.
fucking tiring to just cry and cry. drained like shit.
and to top it all off, Sat's incident at night was like the icing on the cake.

it is also very interesting how i have recently maintained contact with a friend who happened to be straightforward previously.


i thought that you were different. honestly, i thought so with all my heart.
good to know where i stand. that would bring me back to reality instead of being immersed in sugar-coated dreams. things that i thought i was sane enough not to do, i did. things that i thought were gravely illogical and ridiculous, i did.

i might just go on to be a trainwreck.



you broke me.

I've not been too big a fan of hospitals, and yesterday was the second time in my entire life that I got referred there for a fever which hit the big 4. I felt like I was being scorched alive.
It was interesting because the last time I went there for fever I was one day away from being 16 so I was held in the Children's Ward. I should stop being so damn weak! For the past at least 5 or 6 years I went to the Gynae and other appointments alone. Which was sad and lonely. I guess I still held up after being used to it.



I felt like I was ready to go towards the light anytime, and I really wish I went..

And I'll be wearing white when I come into your kingdom
I'm as green as the ring on my little cold finger
I've never fell in love with no one
But it sure felt nice when I held you in the sun
And you, you took my hand, said you'll love me forever
Who would have thought forever could be severed by

The sharp knife of a short life, well
I've had just enough time


A penny for my thoughts
oh no I'll sell them for a dollar
They're worth so much more after I'm a goner
And maybe then you'll hear the words I've been singing?
Funny when you're dead how people start listening...

If I die young bury me in satin
Lay me down on a bed of roses
Sink me in the river at dawn
Send me away with the words of a love song...



send me away with the words of our love song.

Someone just said something very very strange to me, kinda unbelievable in a sense and its making my head spin in circles. Its neither positive nor negative, just strange i guess.

CNY has been a normal affair, what with visiting and all. Gambling was never my strong suit, so it should come as no surprise that I lost $34 bucks this year over 2 days. Every single time I set a limit, if I have lost til that certain limit, I stop playing. Thats also why I consider $34 a reasonable loss, although a bit heartpain still...

Buttered on Friday night, which was utterly liberating for me. Didnt get piss-drunk, but drank a substantial amount to get myself in the zone. Interestingly, bumped into my CEO Peggy and Aden at the Jap restaurant outside. And also, saw Onn Shaun, Samuel and gang inside.

I had the weirdest dream last night. I dreamt that I was happy about something..

Finally got to see Ally just now when Aden and Peggy brought her over to Mrs Ong's place! She still loves lickin my face, which I absolutely adore and not detest. Animals are so innocent that when they are hurt or abused, it breaks my heart...


I'm going crazy just thinking about whether there's anything going on at home, while I am trying my best to occupy my restless mind. It's Sunday tomorrow, which makes things even worse since I probably wont be heading out at all. Should start reading everyday again, wonder why I even stopped in the first place.

Many times I am tempted to call or check, but i tell myself not to stoop so low to that level where I will just end up like everyone else. Stepping over the line. Manipulative. I believe that I am better than that. Although the wondering kills me, at least I do not put myself in a position for you to fault my actions so the actions should not be carried out in the first place. I tell myself every single day that I am better than that. I am not manipulative.


At night, I sometimes wish you were here beside me...



And I wonder if I
Ever cross your mind
For me it happens all the time

It's a quarter after one
I'm all alone
And I need you now
Said I wouldn't call
But I've lost all control
And I need you now

And I don't know how
I can do without
I just need you now

you know whats the strangest thing? its CNY and i'm blogging. Never once in the many recent years was there an opportunity to go visiting with my partner and i've gotten so immune to it that I give up asking anymore.

It's Feb already, and I'm holding on still. Hoping for the best for us. Hoping against hope that you really will keep your word, and fulfil your promises made instead of taking me for a ride again.

I've been crying my eyes out because you've been away for a while, am I really so weak and fragile? Am I going to be so dispensable? Should I be strong-headed and stubborn instead of giving in and compromising and believing?

Hopefully, I do not need to press the self-destruct button because it's what I'm doing slowly now.